Without You

How do I
adequately express
the depth of what it meant
to have your love?

You, who unconditionally
accepted and cherished me,
yet never requested or required
anything in return.

You, so beautiful
in mind, spirit and body,
who never judged my imperfections
or questioned my realities.

You are gone now
and in your place
is an enormous void;
a black chasm.

Struggling to rise from my abyss,
I reach for a new sense of self.
My hair is shorter now.
Jeans have replaced stockings.

My need for your approval
has come to an end.
Independent choices and decisions are made,
haltingly, often incorrectly,
sometimes inappropriately.

Yet other times
resolution springs forth with volcanic force,
from years of suppression
in the name of harmony and love.

I adored you,
emulated you,
and wanted to be
what you believed I was.

To whom shall I turn
for validation?
Who will laugh at my jokes,
and bless me when I sneeze?

Whose heart
will swell with pride,
and whose eyes will sparkle
when I enter a room?

Should you reappear
my heart would exult,
my feet would dance,
my joy would exceed infinity.

And you would fill with pride,
express your joy,
and embrace my evolution,
because my happiness has always been yours.