Studies are always being done toward the alleged goal of improving the quality of life. But, do we care if left handed people wash their left arm first when showering? Will it enhance my life to know that door knobs are the same height as the average woman’s belly button?
Robert Kieve reported that researchers discovered that people who perform two functions at once are unlikely to complete either function as efficiently as they would if they’d performed them separately.
Now, this study is beneficial. I’d always believed I could successfully apply eyeliner while driving 70 miles an hour on the New Jersey Turnpike. The fact that I kept poking my eye and smashing into guard rails only made me more determined to get it right. But now I can continue my struggle, knowing that nobody can do it better.
Oregon Health and Science University performed another worthwhile test when it measured the urine output of a rhesus monkey to discover how, when, and how much he peed. The urine was collected in a beaker on a scale and the time and amount of urine were recorded.
When asked why the study was being done a lab technician answered, “Because it’s never been done before.” And when asked what they were learning, scientists reported, “The monkey usually pees when a human enters the room.”
Now, tell me that isn’t valuable information. From this I learned to always enter a room before a monkey.
Another useful study was done at NYU, where monkeys were forced to smoke crack cocaine, at a cost of $500,000 a year to tax payers. After a four year campaign by the In Defense of Animals group, the researcher performing the experiments, Ron Wood, was made to stop. Nobody is certain about the purpose of the experiments, but one theory is that Wood wanted to prove that keeping monkeys highly motivated ensured excellent job attendance. This premise is based on information obtained in an interview with the test monkeys a day before they checked themselves into the Betty Ford Clinic.
Possibly the most exciting information was collected in Germany by Dr. Karen Weatherby. In a five year study that had men trampling over one another in an effort to participate, 200 valiant males submitted themselves to rigorous daily testing that resulted in the knowledge that men who enjoy a “longing look at busty beauties had lower blood pressure, less heart disease and slower pulse rates, compared to those who did not get their daily eyeful,” reported Jonathan Hayter.
“Apparently even this level of sexual excitement will get the heart pumping and therefore, improve blood circulation, and engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of a stroke and heart attack in half,” Hayter continued.
Dr. Weatherby alleges that regularly engaging in this activity can extend a man’s life by four or five years. I contend that wives will now bear the burden of deciding whether or not they want their husbands to live that long.
Unless women act now, they will have to continue striving for longevity the old fashioned way, with diet and exercise. Therefore, I’m looking for volunteers to aid me in a study to prove that ogling men’s spandex clad butts will prolong women’s lives. Should our gazing, gaping and gawking fail to extend our lives, I can safely predict that not a single woman will give a damn.
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